Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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