I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
