I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
