Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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