I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
