I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
