I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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