I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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