my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize