Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
