I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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