her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
