The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
