Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize