My liver just broke up with me...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
