Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
