I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
