dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
