can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize