Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
