the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
