everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
