apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
