i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
