Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
