you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
