I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize