i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
