new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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