Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
