If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
3 2 1 whiskey
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
