Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
