i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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