.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
