the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
