Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
