he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
