My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
