my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize