Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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