he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
