An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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