Princesses don't give blow jobs
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
