Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
