just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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