Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
