You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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