I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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