I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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