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i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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