the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
