we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
