Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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