Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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