My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
