OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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