if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
