the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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