I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
