God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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